Sometimes, saying what we mean and meaning what we say can be a struggle. We often don’t want to come off as harsh, critical, or demeaning. So, what do most of us do? We complain to others about the problem we have with the person. We have to tell someone, right? So, what is the result? The issue we see with this person doesn’t get better, and now it compounds in our hearts and lives.
For several years I worked in training and development. Part of my job was to develop technical and soft skills in employees and lead new employee training in newly opening stores. You can imagine teaching a new skill takes patience and requires constant positive feedback. A good trainer isn’t passive or vague about improvements needed. They speak the truth in love for one purpose, to ensure you know what they are teaching you. So, when I saw an incorrect behavior, my job was to correct the employee. Now, that is how a job works. You are getting paid to do a job well, or you will get fired. Well, yes, that is true. However, in our relationships, especially in the church, we could all learn the practice of confronting with truth and love.
In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us how to handle issues with a brother or sister in the Lord. He tells us to go to them privately. Sadly, we often skip this step and go to another person to complain, hoping they may do something about the issue we are having or seeing. Drama often is precluded by us simply being direct, honest, and asking simple questions.
You may be serving in a ministry area, and you see something wrong taking place. Now, this may not be anything sinful, immoral, or unethical. It could be a practice that is unfruitful or not yielding positive results or a person who is extremely rude or disrespectful to a leader. Instead of being paralyzed in that situation or complaining to another volunteer or church member, go directly to that person. Your approach needs to be humble, curious, and helpful.
Humble in that you are not full of anger and wrath, but your heart is sober-minded, measured, and ready to engage by the Spirit and not the flesh. Confronting a person with anger or a negative attitude will yield the same measured fruit. Also, when a person feels attacked, they will often respond defensively. So, pray before you go, asking the Lord to give you humility before the conversation.
Curiosity is “a desire to know or learn.” When confronting a person, it is asking questions that lead to clarity. For example, you notice a team member constantly exhibiting a negative attitude towards a leader, undermining their leadership behind closed doors. One way to approach this person is to ask, “Hey, so I noticed you don’t seem to care for __ leadership. Am I right in assuming this? Again, you are just asking for clarity but seeking to know and learn more. Asking questions is a great way to break the ice in conflict and get the ball rolling in the right direction. Asking, ” Are we good? Because it seems like we have some tension between us.” It is a great clarifying question that puts the ball back in that person’s court to engage and deal with conflict.
Lastly, when dealing with conflict, we need to seek to be helpful in the situation. So, when directly dealing with a person who has conflict, aim to help alleviate the problem if you can. Now, this does take some courage. Because this may cause you on the spot to utter these words, “let’s call or set up a meeting with the said person you have an issue with to resolve it.”
Peacekeepers are concerned with keeping the status quo and simply hearing the complaints. A peacemaker wants to nip it in the bud and go to the source of the conflict. They are willing to wade through the mud and bring the parties to the freshwater to wash themselves of drama. It is easier to be a peacekeeper than a peacemaker, but Jesus calls us to the hard work of laboring for peace. Here is a great exercise to try. The next time a person comes to you with an issue about another person, listen and immediately ask these two questions. Have you told them exactly what you told me? Depending on their answer, the next question could be, Are you willing to confront them together? Again the goal is clarity and peacemaking.
Jesus died for his bride, and we are to live in unity and peace with each other as much as possible. So, today if there is an unresolved conflict, approach it with a humble, helpful curiosity. Remember, things don’t change through complaining but through peacemaking.
Who do you need to confront today?
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Amen, conflict is a sensitive issue with people in general also family because they may have anger but all it is MISS COMMUNICATION. If we don’t go to the source directly then that conflict can become enormous,I say go to the Horse’s mouth directly .