As a young boy, I loved superheroes. In the early 90s, I was fascinated with the X-men comics and cartoons. Yet, one of my favorite superheroes was the incredible hulk. He was strong, green, and invincible. Hulk is an interesting character as he is not driven by some moral compass, truth, or justice but by an internal rage that transforms Him into an unstoppable force. While we may not turn green, unchecked anger leaves us proverbially red hot, bitter, and unforgiving.
The Holy Spirit uses our marriages to sanctify us. In short, the grating we often can feel from our spouses, what if the Lord uses this to make us more like Jesus? Trials come to refine our faith, and they come to purify and not destroy us.
“Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-4 CSB
Yet, what happens when our marriages leave us bitter, broken, and unforgiving? Anger can be both positive and negative. On the positive side, anger can move us to action where we care for the vulnerable and protect the innocent, which is a godly thing. However, on the other side, unchecked anger can lead us to sin, which is why the Scripture implores us to stay away from anger.
“Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” Ephesians 4:26 CSB
“for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.” James 1:20 CSB
Why should we slay the giant of anger? As finite beings, we don’t always see with clarity or make impartial judgments. We often think our actions and reactions towards another person are justified, but how often do we look back with regret when responding in anger? Is it any wonder the Scripture tells us to be led by the Spirit and not by the flesh? Understand that unchecked anger can lead to bitterness and unforgiveness in a marriage. As a reminder to husbands, the Apostle Paul wrote under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
Husbands, love your wives and don’t be bitter toward them.” Col 3:19.
Husbands sacrificially love as Jesus loves the church. Yet, we see from Colossians 3:19 that bitterness directly opposes the love husbands have for their spouses. Bitterness is the direct result of unchecked and unresolved anger and is a feeling of anger and resentment caused mainly by perceived unfairness in suffering or by adverse circumstances.
In the Roman table for the household, the husband was called to love his wife in one way, sexually. So, the Bible is revolutionary in its call for man to love sacrificially, not just physically. The Christian marriage aims to glorify God in every way and reflect Jesus’ love for his true bride, the church.
Again, unresolved anger is the root of bitterness and leads to the unforgiveness of our spouses. Understand this is not just for men, but both spouses. Look at what the Scripture teaches.
“Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice.” Ephesians 4:31 CSB
Some of us only sometimes leave room for the Lord to justify us when we are hurt. We often think we see injustice clearly, but our human perspective is often clouded. Yet, think of how God sees injustice. His anger burns against sin, and he knows when his people are hurt, and He cares greatly! So when it comes to our spouses, if we trust the Lord is the one who justifies, we should be able to let the anger go.
“Anger Is a Natural Emotion—but Your Response Is Your Choice.” – Insight for Living
When unwashed dishes become the battleground for world war III consistently, unresolved anger could turn into a root of bitterness. People handle anger differently; some remain silent and bottle it all in. In contrast, others rage ou and may not always include physical harm to others but may slam doors, even punch holes in walls, etc.
Yet, think of this: are our thoughts full of bitterness toward our spouse? Do you think the best of your spouse, or because of past hurts, you hold them over the coals in your heart, refusing to forgive and see them as the person God has blessed you to do life with?
How, then, do we overcome anger and bitterness in our marriages? Again Insight for Living gives these practical helps.
- Stay away from habitually angry people. Instead, seek out people who appropriately handle their anger (Prov. 22:24–25; 26:21; 29:22).
- Keep a very close check on your tongue. Let your speech be controlled by the Spirit (Prov. 15:1; James 3:1–18).
- Cultivate honesty in communication and don’t let anger build up (Prov. 27:4–6; Eph. 4:25).
- Learn to ignore petty disagreements (Prov. 17:14; 19:11; Eph. 4:32).
After reading this, you and your spouse may need to sit down and talk. Here are some good starter questions to help foster a road to healing from anger and bitterness
Have I harmed with anger in our marriage?
What do we need to change in our communication to be more effective?
Is there anything you haven’t been honest with me about because of unresolved bitterness or anger?
I am sorry. Would you please forgive me?
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