More Peacemakers and Less Peacekeepers

Have you ever had to play referee before? No; not the refs we love to hate during the NFC championship game. I am talking about the ref that has to keep the peace in a home or relationship? Living as a peacekeeper in a family is not an easy task. I liken it to scaling a field full of land mines where one wrong step will destroy you and everything around it. Playing peacekeeper as a child is something no child should have to do. Sadly, living in this broken world, even children will face trials, circumstances, and trauma on occasion. Yet, when this trauma affects their emotional and physical well-being, many children are left with lifelong scars.  

For several years of my young life, I flinched at the sound of a sneeze because of my peacekeeping duties. Today, it would be labeled as suffering from PTSD. As an eight-year-old standing between one adult bludgeoning another to a pulp, that kind of trauma weighs on you but also affects your relationship with others. To be subjected to that environment and other toxic relationships had consistently led me to become the person who tries to keep the peace, at all costs. Conflict and confrontation became four-letter words to avoid, like the plague. Yet, it was the finished work of Christ that created in me a clean heart and mind. Even today, the sanctifying work of the Spirit deals with the relics of my sinful and broken past and my mind is daily being renewed through the washing of the Word.

People raised as peacekeepers lack the skills to be peacemakers because of either trauma or non-existent conflict resolution skills. One folds and buckles under conflict, while the other is assured of the peace they have and works to make peace with others. One walks on eggshells to keep a pseudo peace; forfeiting their own peace, while the other clears out the eggshells, so there is a clear path to walk on. I lived most of my life as a peacekeeper, therefore living in pseudo peace with others and myself. Yet, God calls us to be peacemakers, even when it is hard. 

See, when Jesus talks of being a peacemaker, it is one who strives or works for peace. A peacemaker is one who comes between two parties to establish peace between them. The Bible tells us in Colossians 3:13, “…bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive.” Forgiveness is not merely a passive action, but where the two parties must engage; the offender and the offended. Christians don’t run from but go through conflict to ultimately pursue reconciliation. See, this reconciliation is that which restores broken relationships, in turn bringing peace.  

If I am honest, this can be a struggle for me. See, for the longest, as mentioned above, I played the peacekeeper. Peacekeepers brush things under the rug, say things are okay when they are not, and remain on the surface. Many peacekeepers desire reconciliation but have been taught to pursue the opposite. One reason is a fear of confrontation. If you have been told or witnessed that confrontation doesn’t resolve conflict or makes it worst, you avoid any confrontation because you grew up in conflict zones. So, families have issues they simply brush under the rug or simply take the “water under the bridge” approach. Homes are filled with people who have poor conflict resolution skills. We don’t address, talk through or resolve any problems. The truth is, time does not heal all wounds. You may be reading this now and the hurt you experienced is still fresh, as if it first happened. Remember Christ heals and loves you! Everyone may not resolve the hidden conflict in their lives, but we should try, even if we’ve failed in the past. The Bible tells us, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18). I am not advocating becoming a mat for abuse or subjecting oneself to an abusive person either. What I am suggesting is, confrontation that resolves conflict and moves to reconciliation. We see even in the Scripture, for the sake of peace Paul and Barnabas departing from one another because of a sharp disagreement over taking John Mark on mission with them. Yet, we find Paul asking for Mark years later because he proved himself as a faithful worker in ministry. 

For the recovering peacekeepers, let us strive to become peacemakers. Yes, I know it takes a lot out of us to labor for peace, but the Lord calls us blessed for it. How can we take practical steps to become peacemakers? 

• Ask the Lord to help you see conflict as a means to build and restore, not destroy. 
• Cast your burdens of confrontation on the Lord because He cares for you. 
• Write out what you need to say before engaging in the hard conversation. 
• Leave the person’s response on them. You can’t control their reaction, only your communication. 
• If you feel you should remain silent, chances are, you need to speak up to resolve the issue. 
• Remember, the blessing is in peacemaking, not peacekeeping. 

How are you overcoming and becoming a peacemaker, today? Let me know in the comments. 

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.” Matthew 5:9