This week I helped my 14-year-old son assemble a new bed. Surprisingly, the instructions were helpful, and they supplied all the right parts to build the bed. However, my son decided to work on building the bed independently. As a dad, this was news to my ears. For the first time, I could hand off an assembling project in the home to my son.
I glanced at the instructions beforehand, and they were pretty straightforward, so I figured he could handle this one. I thought, “Over the last year, he has helped me assemble a few things around the house, so this is no different.” Well, a stripped screw, broken wood, and a repair or two later proved me wrong. It sounds worse than it was, but he needed his Father’s help. He spent time trying to figure out a solution, but he just couldn’t. As the dad, I decided to check in on his progress, which led me to discover the error in his work.
As I helped to remedy the problem, this truth began to sink into my heart. While I am raising my son to become an independent man who can care for himself and a family one day, my son will always need his Father. In this season of his life, he is learning and growing as a teenager. So, as his Father, I am walking with him, teaching him, and helping him develop spiritually and intellectually. Yet, what happens when he turns 18? Cultural practice is dusting your hands, kicking them out of the house, and saying, Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed.” James 2:16.
However, is that what our sons need? The argument here is not advocating for an extended stay at Casa de los Padres; I am arguing for something more significant. Fathering does not stop at 18 when our sons become legal adults.
Today, men in their 30s and 40s still look for their fathers to help them build their lives. Of course, fathering will look different when our sons are adults, but once a Father, always a father. Although the Apostle Paul was not Timothy’s biological Father, we see a great example of the love and care of an older man for a son. Paul called Timothy his son in the faith and treated him as such. The Apostle Paul cared for Timothy’s well-being, prayed for Timothy’s work, and admonished his identity and character in the Lord. Paul checked on Timothy and his progress. He didn’t leave him to linger alone but cared for his well-being.
Sadly, so many men are fatherless today and have never experienced a Paul rooting them on, telling them they believe in them, and affirming them as men called by God for a purpose and design. Is it any wonder we have 20-somethings still behaving like 12-year-olds in their dress and attitude? What is worse is the 30’s and 40-year-old who struggle to have solid relationships with other men because to love another man is deemed weak or effeminate. I have counseled many men who desire to tell their fathers they love them and receive that same affirmation in return but have never heard those words. So, we have men who live alone, with no other man to call on as a friend. Even worse, these same men may have a Father who is alive, but have a wall of protection up, so they rarely reach out to them.
You may be walking with a limp today because of the Father wound in your life, but this does not have to define who you are as a man. Nothing can change the biological reality that God has designed you as a man for his glory alone. Yet, in Christ, you can also be a new creation healed from the wounds of a fatherless upbringing. Today, you may have your sons and feel inadequate to raise them. You may be repeating the same mistakes you saw your Father make with you. Maybe in your circle, there is an older man you trust and can ask to walk alongside you—a man with who you can receive wisdom, counsel, and prayer. Yet, if you are in Christ, the Lord calls us to look to him for wisdom, direction, and a renewal of our minds. So, if you have believed the lie that you cannot Father well, look to the Lord and His word to teach you.
Our parenting style may differ as our son’s age, but being a Father will never change. If you are a Father today, encourage your son. However, if you are a son with a Father today, give him a call and ask for the advice you know you need.
Fathers are pivotal in asking their sons, “How are you doing?”
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Bravo to you Son!!!!!!!!!