Warren Wiersbe said of forgiveness, “The world’s worst prison is the prison of an unforgiving heart. If we refuse to forgive others, then we are only imprisoning ourselves and causing our own torment.”
The Lord Jesus taught the best way to overcome offense and conflict between two Christians was through honest and intentional confrontation. When someone sins against you, you must confront them in love and truth. “If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” Matthew 18:15
No relationship is immune to moments of offense or conflict. Yet, how often are we deeply wounded yet remain silent? If you are like me, I despise confrontation and will avoid needed conflict like the plague if I am not mindful. One reason is that I don’t want to rock the boat, causing hurt feelings or losing the relationship. Over time I discovered not all conflict is harmful and can lead to deeper intimacy. Yet, to resolve conflict, confrontation has to take place. Sadly, wounds from our past or a misunderstanding of biblical conflict can hinder the work of the Spirit needed to restore a relationship. Remember, Jesus said, blessed are the peacemakers, not peacekeepers. Peacemakers labor for peace, while peacekeepers are fine keeping the status quo, even if they are wounded.
Jesus here gives a situation where a brother or sister sins against another Christian. Is it any wonder Peter asked how often he should forgive someone who sins against him? Remember, Jesus is not focusing on a third-party situation but on when someone wrongs you. What does Jesus say, “go to them and tell them their fault.”
You are responsible for speaking up and out when another brother or sister in Christ has wronged you. When you don’t talk directly to them but around them, you disobey Jesus and do not help your brother or sister come out of sinful behavior patterns.
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Remember, the person who offended you may not know they are guilty of sin, and it actually may be news to them they did something to hurt or wrong you. Jesus later places responsibility on the offender to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in their relationships with others.
“leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:24.
The offended are bold and mature enough to say, you wronged and sinned against me. The offender is sensitive to the Holy Spirit and humble in their hearts to acknowledge when they sinned against a brother or sister.
Brothers and sisters, if someone is overtaken in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual, restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so that you also won’t be tempted.:” Galatians 6:1.
The goal of this confrontation is restoration, forgiveness, and winning a brother or sister back. Remember, Jesus cares for his sheep. He also cares about our relationships with each other. God’s forgiveness is free and unconditional. When he forgives, the Bible tells us:
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12.
When confronting someone who has sinned against you and they listen or respond in repentance, we are not to withhold forgiving them of their wrong. God’s forgiveness is extravagant, so should our forgiveness be of others.
We must be sensitive when someone brings to light sin in our lives, not quickly seeking to justify ourselves. Yet, on the other hand, we must ensure what we bring to our brother or sister is actual sin and offense and that it has authentic merit for a wrong done.
Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. 4 And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and comes back to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” Luke 17:3–4.
Christian Counselor Sunshyne Gray wrote, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean we allow destructive patterns of hurt into our lives. Nor does it mean we excuse and tolerate the offense. We are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), not ignore hurtful patterns. Excusing and tolerating bad behavior isn’t good for anyone.”
We are like servants who owe a considerable debt they could never repay. The master being gracious, benevolent, and kind, extended grace towards us, wiping out our debts. Yet, what are we truly saying about our relationship with the Father when we encounter others who owe us debts and, instead of treating them as God has treated us, show disdain and hardheartedness and refuse to forgive? Jesus makes this point with the parable of the master and servant in Matthew 18.
God forgives us so that we can extend this same forgiveness to others. One could ask if this is a cart Blanche for mistreatment or shows the weakness of Christianity, and it certainly is not. Bitterness, revenge, and strife have no place in the Kingdom of God and among his people. Remember, Jesus, deals with the relationship between a brother and sister in Christ.
Forgiveness doesn’t cancel the crime, and the closeness you shared may be affected by the offense. Sadly, there are times the relationship may not be the same, or due to the lack of repentance of the other party, the relationship ceases to exist. Yet, forgiveness no longer conditions the relationship and can restore harmony. However, this takes repentance, faith, and trust.
So, what are some steps to forgiveness? These are some helpful tips from Insight for Living:
- Allow time to grieve and receive comfort from the Lord. The process of forgiving begins with acknowledging the pain in your heart. “Hurtful words, angry tones, and even abandonment are easy to pinpoint.”
- Remind yourself of God’s gracious Forgiveness of all your failures.
- Realize that Forgiveness is risky. Even a repentant offender is likely to fail again.
- Rely on God as never before; the forgiver must turn to God in new dependence and deeper intimacy.
- Cancel the debt. What the offender owes you can never be returned. Let it go. Through prayer, relinquish to the Lord your right to take vengeance.
6 Evaluate whether you should tell the offender what you have done before God. Remember, sometimes we keep an offense between the Lord and us and move forward.
- Offer appropriate verbal forgiveness to the one who offended you. Say the words, “I forgive you.” Freedom exists in these words—freedom from the crushing weight of anger and bitterness and freedom to love again.
In the next 90 days, is there someone you need to confront who has sinned and hurt you? Ask the Lord to help you.
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