I remember when I first met my husband. It was on the campus of Dillard University and I was showing him the proper way to give a campus tour. We were purposely partnered together by our work-study supervisors! They were Dillard alum and staff who wanted to continue the legacy! He was such a gentlemen yet I was extremely guarded. He asked questions, I gave detailed facts. I didn’t feel the need to attempt to impress him. I was at a place within myself, that whomever the Lord would send, would like me for who I was. I remember telling him, even though he was a freshman, it was no excuse to take life, people, or this college experience for granted. I shared where I stood in my faith and offered to pray for him and God’s direction for his life. Unbeknownst to me, he was actually listening and decided to pursue a friendship.
We didn’t fall in love but it was an instant like. Before I knew it, I enjoyed our time together. A year had gone by; I had a job at a local insurance company, he had a non-paid internship. There was an eventual dilemma… we wanted to go on dates but there was no money (my money was for me, myself, and I)! We decided to be innovative and go run, enjoy picnics, use Kearny (student union), volunteer, attend matinee movies, and enjoy church & family lunch together. Before we knew it, love had been cultivated. And guess what, we endured and persevered through marriage! Here are a few of the many things that I have learned in our 13 years of marriage:
- Your love should be selfless
Love is of God, our creator. Because Christ, has redeemed me out of his love for me, I am constantly reminded of his love for others, especially my spouse. With that being said, selfless grace is a key to a great marriage. Selfless grace is when you forgive freely. I choose not to withhold love and affection even when disappointment sets in. Selfless grace takes your eyes off of you and places them on the other person. It requires you to be the first to forgive, offer a hug, or create a moment of peace even when your spouse has messed up. Why, you say? Because you have been shown the same grace by God time after time. Don’t keep your own tallies of forgiveness. Early on in our marriage, I used to keep a running calculator of all Ryan’s wrongs, reminding myself of how much more I deserved from him. When those running tallies would come out in our disagreements or arguments, I saw how it chipped away at his capacity to love me. It wasn’t until, I heard him say, “Why even try? You never forget anything I do, so why bother asking for your forgiveness.” There is much humility and peace found in giving grace to your spouse. I couldn’t ask to receive something I never freely gave. Since it has been something I intentionally practice, by God’s grace, I’ve seen our love go deeper, further, and wider than I could’ve imagined.
- Communication cultivates trust
Have you ever felt a huge lump in your throat when you tried to talk through a cry or hurt? I have. It is a clear indicator that I am too emotional to clearly communicate, so I simply want to shut down. In a marriage, you don’t get to shut down and refuse to talk. When you do, a barrier or wall is put up that never has a place in marriage. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to keep the lines of communication open. It shows that you care enough to celebrate the good things and fight through the hard things. Yes, it also makes you feel vulnerable. When we got pregnant with our 3rd child, I wanted to have a natural, unmedicated birth. However, the method I wanted to use required Ryan’s full participation throughout the pregnancy and delivery. It would essentially prepare him to deliver the baby if necessary. It sounded great but I soon realized, I did not entrust my dream (heart’s desire) in the hands of my husband, especially after the previous disappointments we’d faced. That was one of the hardest conversations we had ever had to have. For him, it was initially disappointing but freeing in the sense that he knew what I needed and desired most from him. In the end, he did AMAZING! So much so, that my obstetrician was moved to tears. My love for him doubled. And my love for God, tripled because He honored my prayers through my husband. Nothing should be off limits to talk about. Your spouse should never have to guess how you feel or what they need to know. Clear communication shows that you love them enough to know all of you and cultivates a bond of trust unbeknown to anyone else but God.
- Be a good steward
You bring honor to God and your marriage when you strive to be a good steward of your time, talent, resources, and prayers. It shows an attitude of gratefulness and appreciation. Use your time well and be sure you are not neglecting each other. Plan or schedule date nights. Make time for intimacy. Have a routine in your home. Whether its consistent dinner, devotional, or bedtime, it shows you care. Before I move on to the next, I’ll go ahead and add financial stewardship to this. In a marriage, finances are one of the largest elephants in the room of disaster. I homeschool our children, and I hate being confined. I love to take my children out and do things, in other words, spend money. Now, Ryan has never put a muzzle on my wallet/ bank card, but I want to bring honor to him and the sacrifices he makes. By not over spending, sticking to our budget, finding free field trips, packing lunches, planning meals, and exploring, we often come under budget each month. Because I’ve helped him steward our finances, he may bless me with a surprise gift, vacation, new curriculum (because I love teaching), or more affection and attention, etc., all because I’ve shown that my love for him and our family is beyond emotion.
- Never look back with shame and move forward in regret
Let’s be clear, we are all faulty, and not exempt from great mistakes. Jesus said, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” I see that as a charge to great marriages. Don’t look back on your past mistakes with shame and try to move forward in regret. Its like bathing with a dead body in the bathtub. Look at your past mistakes, confront them and see them for what they are. Together, move forward with a hope in your future. Ryan and I both have student loans. As our family has increased it is easy to say what we should’ve could’ve done. For the most part, college students are blind to the real/raw effects of student loans once they’re in the workforce or have a family. We decided a long time ago, with the help of our parents, mentors, and scripture, that we would do our best with what we had, learn from our mistakes, and trust God with the rest. Throughout our marriage, God has provided in ways that we couldn’t explain; in our finances, friends, and opportunities to give Him glory.
In these 13 years, we have relentlessly pursued God and watched Him do an amazing work in us both. As a result, we are still Mr. & Mrs. Ryan C. Rice, loving and serving our God and each other. Blessings to you!
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