I remember when I first met my wife. It was on the campus of Dillard University and she was showing me the proper way to give a campus tour. That day we had lunch and talked for hours after. When we departed from one another, I remember her telling me she would be praying for me. I had never had a girl say such a thing to me, but I am thankful that she did. That day sparked not only an interest, but a friendship that would grow into something more. I wish I could say we instantly fell in love and started dating, but that was not the case. It took us a while to work through friendship, move on to dating, and then of course engagement.
September 8, 2001, we became serious about our relationship. Four years later we said I do and for the past 13 years we have learned love, sacrifice and commitment that no fairytale can give you. While 13 years is not a long time and we are looking to many more, here are some things I have learned in our time of marriage.
- Love is a command more than a feeling
I have no empirical evidence to back this up, but for us and many other couples we have counseled, the first five years of marriage seem to be the toughest. Personally we struggled our second year of marriage. There was much humility, grace and preferring of one another that was needed. Pride will always deceive you that you are the best thing in your marriage. However, you are not! In fact, if you look around, often many of the issues you are facing have to do with you! For the Christian, we are called to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God. This humility calls us to a posture of prayer and desperation for the Lord’s help. I had to learn early on, my love for my wife is not based on how I feel. The Scriptures don’t say: ‘Husbands, when you feel like loving your spouse.’ It actually says, ‘Husband’s love your wife as Christ loved the Church!’ The moment I stopped making the marriage about me, and more about glorifying the Lord, is when I was able to begin to love beyond feeling.
- Quitting is Not worth it
My wife tells the story better than I can, but early on in our marriage I was stranded at a Popeye’s Chicken around the corner from our house. Yes, we laugh about it now, how she pulled off and left me there holding a piping hot bag of chicken with no way to get home. However, we had some folks in our life at the time that spoke truth even when we didn’t want to hear it. In that same moment, my wife made a call to a family member and shared with them what was going on. Their words to her were, “Turn around, get your husband and y’all get it together! You can’t go back to your parents, you have a new home and husband.” We had to learn early on that quitting wasn’t an option. If you quit at the beginning, how will you know what the end is like? We struggled and fought, but I am so thankful to the Lord Jesus Christ that His power working though us kept us going. Our intimacy, friendship, and marriage is not what it was then and by God’s grace continues to grow as we seek after Him.
- Serving Christ Together is Better than a great marriage
As a follower of Jesus Christ, my first love is not my spouse or my kids; it is Jesus. In fact, the Lord expects from us to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Loving everything else is secondary. For the not yet married, for most marriage is a goal. However, nowhere in Scripture does it tell you to make marriage the goal. For the married, pleasing your spouse becomes the goal. Well, if we are honest, sometimes this can become an idol as well. Now, what would happen if we both put God first in our devotion, time and attention? A strange, but Biblical thing would begin to happen. Our marriages flourish and look more like Jesus. A great marriage is a result of a deeper walk with the Lord Jesus Christ. The more you love Him, the more you will love your spouse!
- 100% is required
There is an old gospel song that says, 99 1/2 won’t do. In marriage, that is absolutely correct. I have heard people give advice that says, if each person gives 50% you can meet in the middle. That is such horrible advice. We are called to give 100% of our effort to our marriages. In fact, once you leave your family home to be with your spouse, that is it. While I am thankful for in-laws and parents, they are not part of our marriage equation. Once I was in my marriage, I was all in. I was all in with the good, bad and ugly. Many times the ugly was looking right back at me in the mirror. Is our marriage perfect? By no means. Yet, we aren’t striving for perfection either. The fantasy of marriage died after our first year together. The reality of marriage came to life when we saw it took faith, prayer, work and commitment!
These are s a few thoughts I had on our 13 year anniversary. However, my wife will be sharing her thoughts as well in part 2 of this blog.
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